Saturday, August 31, 2013

Ever Thine, Ever Mine, Ever Ours

This was our saying to each other the whole first year that Robert was in boot camp, school, and training. Now, the love of my life is in Afghanistan, and I am floundering to find my place here without him. Stuck in this revolving door of optimism, extreme sadness, unbelievable happiness from messages,  utter loneliness, major stress, and just an overall desire to forget the next 5 or so months and wake up the day he comes home is exhausting. I know for most reading that someone has a loved one over there now is just another person in a sea of faces in the war on terrorism. However, for me, every day that he is gone is another day where this hole inside of me gets even larger. The pain of being without him at times is almost unbearable, and there are moments where I find myself unable to breath through the pain. Knowing that the man you love most in this world is traveling "outside the wire", seeing such horrible things that you could never even begin to imagine does something to the way that you look at life. I have come to cherish every single text, email, phone call, and voice mail I receive. I even save the ones that, for the most part, sound like a muffled mess, because every so often you get a sliver of what he says where I get to hear his voice.

This is not the life that I imagined that I would ever end up having. Don't get me wrong, Robert is the man that I told my mom just a month or so after dating was "the one", and we were going to get married. After a few years, and many broken hearts later, we ended up exactly where I said we would. I got to look into his beautiful blue eyes in front of friends and family and say yes to spending the rest of my life with him. Now. if you were to rewind the clock a few years and ask me how married life for me would probably be, there would have been no hesitation in my response. I would most definitely be living in Texas, close to family, working full time, saving up money to buy or build a house, going on fun trips with my wonderful husband, and eventually have a baby or two. If you would have told me that I would be living 1000 miles away from every family member I love and cherish so much, and learning to live a life where I come home from work every night to be alone and stressed, and most of my days off are spent completely alone trying to find various things to possibly make the time go by even the tiniest bit faster, I would have slapped you across the face. ("run on sentence much?" yeah, yeah, yeah, cut me some slack here, I babble when I am emotional, deal with it) The thing is......I would never change a single choice that was made, as long as I get to spend the rest of my life with the man of my dreams, my world, and my rock. 

I cannot even begin to imagine how my Nonnie survived while my Papa was gone in WWII. She would go months without hearing anything, and she managed to come out a strong, independent woman, and they were deliriously happy up until the day he passed away. Her strength, and the strength of every husband, wife, friend, and family member that has had to do this and managed to come out on the other side a better person inspire me immensely. These people help me to believe that I might be alright after everything is said and done. Over everyone else, the people with the strength I admire most are those like my husband. The men and women (not necessarily in a war zone, but deployed anywhere in general) who are able to fight through all of the pain, loneliness, exhaustion, and stress to make their loved ones at home feel better. Those who are ripped from their comfort zones for months at a time go out of their way to make the ones they love the most happy. These are the people I admire most, and this is exactly what Robert does for me. 

There is nothing in this world that I love more than the amazing man I married, and there is nothing in this world that could ever make me stop. I pray, every single day, with every fiber of my being, that he comes home safe. I wish on every 11:11 and shooting star that I see. I have hope and faith that he will come home to me happy, healthy, and all together. I also do no delude myself into thinking that there isn't anything that could go wrong. Keeping a healthy realization of the things that could go wrong is partially one of the things that helps to keep my grounded. I do believe that I will make it through this a better and stronger woman, but I wouldn't be telling the truth if I said that I wouldn't be leaving a part of me behind  to get there.....but who knows.....only time will tell........

Monday, August 15, 2011

The painful move

Robert and I made the move from Dallas to Jacksonville in May. He had already been here for a few months, and I was reluctantly entering into a move halfway across the country. I had never lived more than an hour away from my family my whole life; my family means everything in this world to me. I wanted nothing more in this world than to marry Robert and spend my life being his wife, but I had no idea how well I would react to a move like this. Not only did it terrify me, it broke my heart to leave behind my family. The morning of the move was horrible...there is no possible way for me to put into words the sadness and loss that my heart felt as we pulled away from my parents house. A feeling that still has not fully gone away. I have not talked about it to anyone, mainly because it hurts too much, but also because I feel a little foolish to have these thoughts. I mean, you're probably thinking "Sara you're 23 years old and married now, it is time to grow up and move on" and you would definitely be right. However, I was not raised to to just easily walk away from things, especially family. I am one of the most family oriented people alive....the day my niece Alyson cried because I was leaving is something I still dream about to this day.

That being said, the hardest part about everything, is how unbelievably hard it has been for me to find my stride here in Jacksonville. Life here is just so different than life is back home. Jacksonville is not somewhere I would ever want to live again. Don't get me wrong, the weather is great, being so close to the beautiful beaches is amazing, and anywhere that my husband is, is definitely where I want to be. Outside of these though, Jacksonville sucks. I have never seen so many ghetto places in one town in my whole life.  There is also the fact that it has been way more difficult to find girl friends here than it was back home. I don't know if it is because I have become resistant to allow new people to enter my life, or if it is because there really aren't that many females here that I see as good friend potential. On top of everything, our house is nowhere near how I want it to look, and unless I find away to literally start growing money then I have a feeling that it won't be there for a long time. I am hoping to join some clubs, like a navy wives club, or doing something that allows me to have more interaction with different people. Who knows, maybe now that I am working things will start to get a lot better. Hopefully, I can start mixing the lemons in life with some of the grey goose in my freezer and create a good time rather than concentrating so hard on the sour parts of life.

Thursday, August 11, 2011

The joys of being female

Have you ever looked at yourself in the mirror and the person you saw looking back at you was unrecognizable. The girl you saw looking back was hideous. That size 6 girl that you know you should see looking back at you is not there...she has been replaced with a 300 pound look-a-like who has horrible skin, and is the color of a vampire. Seeing this not only makes you want to cry, but it immediately puts you on the fast track to having a horrible day. What happens when this is not just a one time thing? What happens when you get ready every morning and wash your face every night and all you can start to see is that look-a-like? Well I'll let you know since this has become my everyday life.

It is like a disease that takes over. Like one of those extremely annoying pop songs that gets stuck in your head and no matter what you do you can't get it out. You eventually begin to believe that the girl looking back at you, is what you really look like. That she is the girl that everyone else sees when they look at you too. The girl that once used to be filled with confidence, slowly becomes a shell of her former self. There are times when I don't want to leave the house because I can't get that girl out of my head. The hardest part about everything is not having my girl friends here to talk to and make things better. Other than leaving my family, leaving my friends was the hardest part about moving to Florida. There is just something about a "bestie" that they can do things for you that no husband or boyfriend can, especially my bestie. They just have a certain way of word slapping you across the face the pull you out of the constant pity party you might be living in. Who better to understand "ugly duckling syndrome" than someone who is going through it just like you. Without this, it just seems like things with my "fat self" keep getting worse.....I am sure eventually I will pull myself out of this haze of self hate....but until then my life will just continue to consist of sleepless nights and avoiding mirrors, shorts, bathing suits, and any form fitting clothes at all costs.

Saturday, August 6, 2011

My Bridals!

Like I said I might do yesterday, I am posting some of my bridal pictures today. I am not going to post all of them because there are over 100, so I am just putting up some of my favorites. An amazing girl that I went to high school with (she was a few grades before me) is the one who took the pictures for both my bridals and for the wedding. Her name is Christy Lord and she has blown me away with the work that she has done not only for me, but for others that have gone to her for pictures. Here is the link to her website for anyone who is interested in taking a look  The pictures were taken at the Dallas Arboretum on a beautiful spring day, and it was one of the few times I have felt truly beautiful in my life. So take a look at the beautiful work of Christy!

Friday, August 5, 2011

Long overdue update you can tell I definitely failed at my attempt to start a blog before......three posts and then I just stopped. How much does that suck? Maybe not for y'all, haha, but for me it does. I wanted to chronicle the entire wedding planning process, the big move to Florida, and starting a completely new chapter in my life. Overall, I just wanted to invite everyone in to have a glimpse into my life and getting to marry the man that I love more than anything else in this world. So since I didn't get to go into any details during the planning and move, I'll just start out my new attempt at blogging by giving an update!

Robert and I took the plunge on May 7th at the church that I grew up attending, and it was quite possibly the shortest ceremony known to mankind. :) That is what we wanted though; we wanted the ceremony to be simple and keep it about what we were there for....joining as one under the eyes of God and in front of all our friends and family. My dress was definitely the best wedding dress ever...maybe I am just partial, but it did all come together extremely well the day of. The best part was seeing Robert tear up; he never does anything like that, so I knew he was truly happy to be where he was. I think seeing me in the dress is what pushed him over the edge :) Of course, being the cry baby that I am, I started tearing up the second they opened the doors and my father started walking me down the aisle. Some of my favorite highlights from the ceremony other than the walk with my father and of course getting to marry the man of my dreams were these: my oldest brother giving the welcome, my cousin Ryan reading "Carrie's Poem" from Sex and the City, and definitely having my father officiate the ceremony. It was so unbelievably special having my father not only walk me down the aisle and give me away, but to also have him perform the ceremony that brought Robert and I together as husband and wife. The kiss at the end was pretty great too!!

The reception was everything that I wanted it to be! The Hilton Bella Harbor was the best choice for a reception, and overlooking Lake Ray Hubbard when the sun was setting was unbelievable. The decorations were so beautiful, the lighting was great, people ate, danced, and seemed to have a really great time. The only thing that I wish was different is that I wouldn't have been hungry when I left, BUT that was to be expected. Everyone told me prior to the wedding to just be prepared to not eat because you are going to be talking, hugging, and shaking hands too much, and boy were they right! From what other people told me though, and the small bit that we did get to eat, the food was really good. It was okay though because after the wedding that night Robert and I were given such a great surprise by the hotel. Room service brought up a tray with the most amazing fudgey chocolate brownies, strawberries, and a wonderful bottle of champagne. Our DJ was amazing, he had everyone up and dancing and he played every song that I wanted him to and even picked extra ones that fit perfectly. My mom and I were nervous how it would turn out with the DJ since we fired the one we initially hired only two weeks before the big day and hired him, but it turned out PERFECT. We would definitely recommend him to anyone that asked. The room was so warm and inviting with splashes of pink everywhere, and don't even get me started on the candy bar and cakes. They we both AMAZING, and we ate enough of the cake to feed a third world country! Darby at Rockwall Flowers did the most amazing job turning my vision into a gorgeous event, and she blew my mind when it came to everything she did with the flowers and decorations. We are slowly starting to get pictures back from that night and I am blown away. Christy Lord did an unbelievable job on my bridal portraits, and it seems to me that she is topping herself with the wedding pictures. Overall our wedding was the night we had both dreamed of, and it was filled with so much love and happiness that you really couldn't ask for anything more. Robert says our wedding was the best ever, and even says we should do it all over again, and of course I am all for that! :) We just both had so much fun that we want to do it all over again!!!

Once we get all of our pictures back I will put some on here so you can have a look into the most amazing and perfect day of my life. I'll post reviews of all the vendors later because this post has already become way too long. Maybe I'll even put some of my bridal pics up....who never know what I'll do :)

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

David Tutera eat your heart out

First and foremost let me say that I have by far and away the most amazing mom in this entire world. She has been there for me through every good, bad, exciting, and horribly excruciating moment in my life. This engagement period is not anything different. She has stepped up and taken on the roll of wedding planner, provider, and overall organizer. She has helped me calm down when I have been stressed to tears, and been there to laugh with me when moments are so happy they are filled with tears (if you did not already know, I am someone who cries at the drop of  a hat) She is definitely superwoman in my eyes.

The wedding planning started when I was about the age of 5, when weddings in my eyes were something that only happened to princesses and movie stars. The real wedding planning started the Monday after we got engaged and in about a month my mom and I had successfully planned almost an entire wedding. Well all of the big stuff to be more exact. This planning process seems to be never ending though; once one item gets checked off of the list two more things pop up in its place. The hardest part of the initial process was actually picking the colors for the wedding, in the end the final decision was made on chocolate brown, ivory, and accents of light pink. There will also be plenty of sparkle throughout the night too. We have set the big day to happen on Saturday May 7th of this year, I cannot believe that it is 60 days away!

The month of January was definitely the most crazy month so far. We sercured the church, reception site, photographer, cake baker, dj, picked the bridal party, groomsmen, and house party, florist, bought my entire outfit for the wedding, got all of the girls dresses, picked out the tuxes, got the officiant, got save the dates, and even found some time in there to have fun. I will put a list of names at the end of this post. One of the craziest parts of what we got done in the beginning was securing the reception site. The night I was asked to be a wife I knew instantly the three things I wanted for the wedding, they were to be married in the church that I grew up in by my father, and I wanted the reception to be at the Hilton Bella Harbor. The first two I knew were going to be easy, the last detail though I figured I would never get in a million years. Especially considering the day I called was 4 months before the wedding. By some miraculous event though the day I called I was told that they had space available that saturday, and I booked the room right then and there. My mom and I have heard from multiple different people that they are extremely surprised we were able to get in because there have been girls calling a year in advance and cant get in on their wedding date. I really started to get the feeling like things were going to come together just like we all wanted them too.

This post I really just wanted to started to give an overview of everything we are getting done, because giving details on every single thing would have meant me writing a piece that was the length of novel. The main thing I can say about this whole wedding planning process is it is the most amazing and most stressful and most exciting thing I have ever had the chance to take part in. I just keep trying to remind myself to let the stressful things stay in the background and to have fun with everything that we get to do. Next time I will start to get into A LOT more detail about everything, and maybe provide a read much more exciting than this post is. I do apologize about it, I am a little bit off my game tonight, but I promise to bring you something better tomorrow!!

List of Vendors
Church: First Baptist Church
Reception: Hilton Bella Harbor
Officiant: Paul Smith (my dad)
Florist: Darby with Rockwall Flowers
Photographer: Christy Lord
DJ: Steve Kasprisin
Cake Baker: The Cake Guys
My Dress/All the girls dresses: Emma's Boutique
Tuxes: Mens Warehouse

Sunday, March 6, 2011

saying yes twice to a man, the best birthday ever

I know I said in my first post that I would be back the next day to update....well we see how well that turned out.  :) I get asked all of the time how the proposal happened, how the planning is going, and what my dress looks like. I love answering these questions because I love being able to talk about getting married. Let me set the scene a little better for people out there who don't know me very well. I am number 1 girly girl and I have been thinking about my wedding ever since I was a little girl. Watching wedding shows with my mom is definitely a favorite past time and I so far have loved every single second of planning this wedding (well for the most part).

Robert and I have known each other for going on 5 years now, and in that time we have been together for almost 3 years of it. We talked about getting married and starting a life for a long time, and we never really had a time line other than we wanted it to happen soon. I was asked by this amazing man to be his wife on two separate occasions. The first time started the planning process but the second time was the most memorable, amazing, and exciting one....the story I will tell for the rest of my life. The first time was New Years Ever while we were out to eat at a favorite restaurant of ours. We talked most of the meal about it, not really getting anywhere, then when we were close to being done he started talking about how much he wanted to be married to me. He gave me the yes/no disk from the table (we were at Texas de Brazil) and told me that red would mean we would continue on the path we had been on or that green would mean we would start planning a life together and I would be his wife which is what he wanted so bad (but hello I definitely wanted that too)......obviously I picked green......that is what set the stage to start the planning process. Even though I was extremely excited about everything, Robert knew how much I had always wanted that true proposal that every girl dreams about. What I did not know was that he was planning on giving me just that. On the 17th of February I boarded a plane to visit him in Florida for a few days. On that Saturday which was my birthday, he had planned this amazing day visiting the historic city of St. Augustine. We spent the day walking around, seeing the beautiful scenery, the history, the crazy stuff inside ripley's, and enjoying the perfect weather. When it was night we left the town and started driving to Neptune Beach. On the way getting to see all of the amazing beach houses that dotted the coastline. When we got to Neptune Beach (the place he had planned that we eat dinner) he suggested a walk on the beach before we ate. I took off my shoes and we started to walk, hand in hand, down the beach. He stopped a little of the way down to just talk and enjoy the experience. He put his arm around me and I could feel his heart was pounding so hard, I thought something was wrong!! We were looking at the moon and the stars and I commented on how much I wish there was a shooting star so I could make a wish; he suggested I make a wish anyway. I looked up and said the saying "star light star bright, first star I see tonight, I wish I may, I wish I might, have the wish I wish tonight" and I shut my eyes and made my wish. After I was done Robert asked what I had wished for and I refused to tell him, citing that if I told him that my wish would not come true. When he said he made a wish too, my curiosity got the best of me and I asked what he had wished for. Then he started to move in front of me, he grabbed my hand and got down on one knee. Then he told me his wish was that I would spend the rest of my life with him and that I would say yes if he asked me to marry him again. Then he asked if I would spend my life with him, he pulled out the most beautiful emerald cut solitaire, and place it on my ring finger. The whole time I am standing there in shock, and all I can stand to get out is "uuhh yeess" (so eloquent) He stands up and I wrap my arms around him all the while still in complete shock, no tears, no words....then about 5 minutes later it was like it all came rushing up and I came out of the shock and started crying. All I could say is "It really is happening, oh my gosh it really is happening, this is real, this is so amazing, I love you so much, it's really happening" again my eloquent speech has come out. Then I admitted to him that my wish from earlier was that I would be able to experience exactly what had just happened. We were both shaking and happy, and by the end of that evening my cheeks were hurting so bad from smiling so much. By far and away it was the most amazing birthday I have ever had in my entire life, there are seriously no words to tell you what it feels like when the man you love most in this entire world places a ring on your finger and asks you to spend the rest of your life being his wife.

This whole experience has taught me a lot about many differet things and a lot about myself. First off I have learned that the most amazing things in life happen to you when you least expect it. Secondly, I learned that no matter how awesome of a speaker you think you are, when you are put in that situation, you lose all memory that you have speech capabilities of someone over the age of 5. Also I realized that night that Robert, even though he is one of the strongest men I know, gets extremely nervous about stuff too. I don't think I have ever felt someone's heart beating that hard before. Lastly, writing this blog has made me realize (well not really because I have always known) that I cannot talk or tell a story in a succint way; I seriously think it is an issue I have, but atleast by the end you are going to know every single detail possible. I cannot wait to continue to share these happy moments, the crazy moments, and the moments that make you want to go a little insane on here....until next time : )